You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
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