According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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