we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
