Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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