my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
