I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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