Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
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