Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Randomize
