great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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