My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
