My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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