I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Randomize
