i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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