I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Randomize
