how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
