Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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