someone get that fucking seahorse.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
