Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
