Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
