Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
it glows. i had to have it.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Randomize
