I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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