If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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