I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
