I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
