my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
