U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
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