Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
