I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Randomize
