I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Randomize
