I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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