I forgot how hot balto sounded
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
