My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
don't judge my taste in strippers
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
