Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
