I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
