weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize
