she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
