My sheets look like a crime scene.
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Randomize
