I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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