I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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