No, drunk sperm still make babies.
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
