I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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