my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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