I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
