Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
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