My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
