Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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