Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
