it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
