we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
