Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
