i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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