I'm lost and stupid without you.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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