There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
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