Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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