Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Randomize
