thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
