I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
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The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
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Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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