I wish I could teleport
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
