Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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