this just has baby written all over it
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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