I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Randomize
